Talking nice during a conflict, is that possible?

Talking nice during a conflict, is that possible?

 Conflict; a clash of interests that can randomly pop up in nearly every relationship.  This may include a significant other, coworker, employer, teacher, friend, or family member.  Conflicts are going to happen, they are inevitable because we are not robots, we are humans, and we all have our own brains, which means we all have our own opinions, morals, and values.  Because of those facts, we are guaranteed to have conflicts with people.  The important thing to remember with conflict, is that they do not have to be destructive; rather, productive and crucial for healthy relationships.  However, how can you maintain healthy communication during conflicts, so they can remain positive, and not destructive?  Communication is key during conflicts and there are a number of things to keep in mind to make conflicts productive.

1.       Use I-Statements

a.       By using I-Statements you are making your complaint about you, rather than placing blame on the person that you are arguing with

2.       Calm yourself before you bring up a complaint

a.       It is so important to start a conflict in a calm fashion, because chances are you are going to get worked up if you are faced with resistance, and the more worked up you get, the more destructive the conflict will be.

3.       Keep it specific

a.       Try and stay focused on one topic, and that topic being the one that was initially brought up.  It is very easy in conflicts to jump from one topic to another in a way to defend yourself or distract the other person, and all that is doing is adding fuel to the fire, and not accomplishing anything

4.       Talk about what you do need, rather than what you don’t

a.       By focusing on what you do need, this is going to keep the conversation moving in a positive, progressive manner, rather than keeping it frozen in time and going back and forth with not progression

5.       Be kind!

a.       This is the most important rule of all.  Whoever you are in a conflict with, chances are you care about them to some degree, so it is crucial to keep in mind that words are said and can not be taken back.  Therefore, you have to be mindful if the things you are saying are going to hurt that person, long after this conflict is over.

On a closing note, a quote by Max Lucado sums up communication and conflict, “Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.” 

Hanah

Miracles Do Happen

reetings all!  I am a new mommy to a sweet little boy.  What a miracle and experience being pregnant and childbirth is for a person and their significant.  I remember shortly after we found out I was pregnant I told my husband we needed to take birthing classes because we needed to be prepared and learn how to take care of a baby.  So as the time drew near, we took our birthing classes.  We learned about preterm labor, signs of labor, pain management, and all the not so pleasant details in-between.  However, what no one talked to us about was how having a baby will affect us, as a couple and what it will do to our marriage.  No one told us that we would have to whisper to communicate so we didn’t wake up the baby.  No one told us that the majority of our conversations would be spent at the changing table or with a bottle (of milk ).  No one told us that “worn out” would be our new looks.  And no one told us the added stress of loving our new baby would give us both very short tempers with each other.  But that is exactly what it is like and I will be honest and real with you, it is an adjust not just individually but for our marriage.  The time we use to have to dote on each other, is now no longer there.  We are either feeding baby, changing a diaper, cleaning and filling bottles, or too sleep deprived to have a conversation.  I never thought I would have to work so hard to spend time with my husband or to have a decent conversation with him.  However, that is where we are at.  Our attention is no long just on us and each other, it has now shifted to our sweet, new baby; and that is a really hard adjustment and can be very hard on a marriage.  Making time for each other is essential for your marriage and being flexible enough to change your schedules around to create that time with each other.  Whatever that looks like in your life and schedule, whether it is to stay up 10 extra minutes at night to talk, taking a long lunch to spend time with each other, or planning weekly nights out with just the two of you. It is also terribly essential to have complete open communication with each other to talk about stresses and this ever so changing schedule and routine.  Being able to communicate what you are struggling with and what you are needing from your partner is the only way you are going to be able to do this together. It is easy to put all your time and attention on your children, but it is so important to not forget your significant other and maintain that healthy balance between being a parent and partner.  When your children are all gone and out of the house, you don’t want to be left with a stranger. 

Thanks!

Hanah, LCSW

Is ADHD always ADHD, or Could It Be Something Else?

More and more I am seeing young kids being diagnosed with ADHD and the typical protocol of treatment is implemented. This may be a dosage of medication, classroom behavioral modification, or possibly a combination of both.  In some cases, these small adjustments to schedules, rewards charts, distraction techniques, or medication can do the trick and you see improvement in your child.  However, where do you turn if you don’t see improvement and the struggle continues?  It could be that you are focusing on the wrong problem, and rather than suffering from ADHD, your child may be suffering from school anxiety.  

School can be a great cause source of anxiety for a number of different reasons for all kids, at all ages, and for both genders.  The list of triggers are endless and individualized for each child, but I have composed a list of common triggers that cause school anxiety in students:

1. Social and peer pressure.  Kids constantly have to worry about fitting it socially with their peers and if they don’t quite fit in, they have to deal with the consequences of not; such as isolation, bullying, and not having a social support at school.  

2. Expectations.  There are expectations of behavior and grades at school.  Kids are expected to sit very quietly and maintain attention for an extended period of time, which for some kids, may not be something that they can do, due to their age or gender.  Schools also expect kids, depending on their age, to take notes whether that is hearing or copying, which again, could cause anxiety based on the child’s way of learning.

3. Transitions.  Transitions can be very anxiety provoking for children.  Transitions such as going from one school to another, changing classrooms throughout the day, changing teachers, before and after breaks, and even just the starting and stopping of a routine.  

4. Fear of failure.  Failure or rejection can be a very scary thing for kids that can cause a lot of anxiety.  Failure of not getting a good grade and risk disappointing their parent or their teachers.  Fear of failing and then not getting the scholarships that they need or getting into college, or simply failing socially that they did not fully experience their school life.  

So how can you recognize school anxiety in your child?  The most common, most paid attention to symptom is the vocal outbursts of “I don’t want to go to school!”  This may sound like a typical kid not wanting to get ready in the mornings, but it could be a sign of underlining anxiety.  You may see an increase in social isolation or social withdrawal, nightmares regularly, or tantrums in the morning or after the realization that your child has to go to school (i.e. after a weekend or holiday).  Some physical symptoms that your child may complain of that may be connected to school anxiety include: headaches, dizziness, gastrointestinal problems such as stomachaches, nausea, cramps, and vomiting.  

Helping your child manage their anxiety at school can look a number of different ways.  There is always the option of medication, but there are also other coping skills to learn and use in place of medication or alongside medication.  Some simple suggestions for parents to assist with their child’s school anxiety are:

1. Start transitions early.  Expose your kids to new things early and help them to prepare for transitions.  This can be done by going to look at a new school, walk the hallways and meet new teachers and classrooms, or simply start talking about going back to school early after a long break.  

2. Have good conversations with your child.  Rather than using a statement such as “everything is going to be fine” use that as an opportunity to figure out what exactly is causing your child anxiety, and help them to problem solve whatever is going on.

3. Keep your kids active and involved.  The more you can expose your children the more it is going to help them to be able to build healthy, positive friendships and learn how to handle relational problems that arise.  It also gives kids the opportunity to make friends before going to school.

4. Limit electronic use.  Video games do not teach kids healthy ways of interacting with other kids.  They miss out on opportunities to learn how to communicate face to face with someone and they miss out on learning social cues from people, which will all be very overwhelming and anxiety provoking when experienced the first time at school.

5. Make a plan and share it.  Talk to your kids before going to school about what the day is going to look like such as if they have tests, field trips, or any other changes in their schedules.  Also talk to them about any changes after school, such as if someone new if picking them up from school or if they need to do something different after school.  

6. Pack security items.  Sending security items with your child to school is a good way to make them feel comfortable and safe and like they are in control.  This can be a note that you send them, a picture that they like of their family, or even a calming stone for them to rub during the day.  

Anxiety is something that can affect everyone, at all ages, including our kiddos.  However, having a better understanding of what anxiety looks like in our kids can make it easier for us to help them enjoy school!

-Hanah